


Heading East

by Despina



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-11
Updated: 2011-03-11
Packaged: 2017-10-16 21:10:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/169381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Despina/pseuds/Despina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sanzo reflects -- mostly on Goku.  Set post journey.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heading East

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rroselavy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rroselavy/gifts).



> For and the prompt:
> 
>  _I feel rich, I feel power, and security  
>  and when I'm weak, you are strong  
> Once in a lifetime, twice in eternity  
> And guess what? Nothing else matters anyways_
> 
> Beta: Whymzycal! 'Nuff said!

Sanzo was panting heavily and covered in sweat. As his panic abated, he realized with mild surprise that during his scrabble to wakefulness, he'd sat up. Though thankfully, this time his throat wasn't raw from shouting. He rubbed a hand over his eyes and through his hair as he glared at the blanket-wrapped form of a snoozing Goku. Still, he was grateful he hadn't woken the dumbass up. If he had, there doubtlessly would've been a long night of discussing their feelings or some stupid shit like that.

And because the possibility of talking still loomed, Sanzo fought his desire to touch Goku. After his nightmares, he always wanted to touch Goku. It was an efficient way to reassure himself that Goku was still real, a living, breathing creature and not a dream that could be erased by the constant movement of death and rebirth.

Would it happen again? Would they forget one another after this short lifetime ended?

Almost like clockwork, the shaking started. The jitters always followed the dark dream. He fumbled for the light and scooped up his cigarettes, wondering as his trembling fingers fired his lighter, why he was so weak.

They'd finished what they'd set out to do – saved the world. It still sounded ridiculous, but that's what they'd done. The fighting near the end had been intense and with a cruel brutality they hadn't seen up to that point. Yes, they'd won the battle, but in the end, they'd needed help. There were some survivors who swore that during the fight, they'd seen Kanzeon appear in the sky, wielding her "mercy" on their enemies.

It sounded like something the old hag would do.

Miraculously, all of the Sanzo party had survived. After a fashion. Gojyo would definitely have a limp for the rest of his life and Hakkai was a few precarious notches closer to insanity, but they would manage. Sanzo would sport several new raggedy scars from the demon oil that had hit him; the large, deep one across his chest and the two smaller burns on one cheek. The marks on his face bothered him more, not because he carried visible scars now, but because they were eerily similar to Gojyo's -- a point Gojyo made whenever he could.

But it was Goku who had suffered the most.

When the fight of their lives had ended, that Merciful Bitch had handed them two devastating blows. The first was Hakuryuu. She'd done some witchery, and Hakuryuu had transformed first into some sort of two-legged thing with horns and a pile of hair. He'd _bowed_ to the bitch and then embraced a stunned, half-insane Hakkai, saluted a startled, wide-eyed Gojyo before changing into a real dragon. Miles long and dazzling white, he'd leapt into the sky, and that had been that.

Then that cow of a Goddess had faced Goku. With eye-blurring quickness, she'd snatched off his coronet and then touched him, declaring that he was forgiven and she would welcome him home when he was ready to return. Then the hag had disappeared, leaving Sanzo alone to clean up the fucking mess.

The days after that had been exhausting and tense. Goku nearly snapped under the strain of his conflicting personalities both aware and thrust together for the first time. In the beginning, he'd clung to Sanzo, raving and snarling one moment, terrified and needy the next. Sanzo had managed to hold Goku's tattered psyche together, but the solution that saved them had been a surprise.

What eventually happened had begun as a last attempt to get Goku to shut up. Sanzo, in his frazzled state, had been desperate enough to take advice from Gojyo and had kissed the crazed Goku. But the kiss had quickly turned into something primal and passionate. In the end, sex had been the key that finally caused Goku's separate selves to calm and merge.

Sanzo suspected the Merciful Cow had something to do with that particular solution. She'd probably even planted the trigger within Goku. He wouldn't put it past her.

After the long days of fear and uncertainty, Goku finally leveled out. And just when the days had become a little easier, Sanzo's nightmares had started.

It seemed that by mixing Goku's two halves, he'd also become mortal. His ears were a little pointier, and his teeth a little sharper, and when he was angry, his pupils became a little elliptical, but he was definitely mortal. He wouldn't survive five hundred years in a cave now. He was like Sanzo.

Fragile and weak.

Which brought Sanzo back to his nightmare. What would he do if something were to happen to Goku? Goku had always been a constant; what if --

Goku turned over on the bed and snaked an arm around Sanzo's waist. "You're here," he said sleepily. "I had that dream again where you left."

Sanzo took a deep drag from his cigarette before he said, "No. I'm here." He touched Goku's hair, marveling at its silky feel and pleased that the limiter was gone. He was selfish. It was easy to forget that Goku had his own nightmares -- and they were a variation of his own.

"You had your nightmare, too, huh?"

"Yeah."

As Goku's warm hands caressed him, his shaking lessened. He relaxed, remembering that they were together, linked like endless, interlocking circles.

Goku's voice was deeper and rounder when he said, "Our life before, this one now, and all the ones yet to come."

Tension drained from Sanzo's body and he crushed out his cigarette. He relaxed, leaning his shoulders back against the wall.

Goku rolled on to his back and placed his head on Sanzo's leg. He raised a hand and traced the scars on Sanzo's cheek. "Feel better?"

"Yes."

"Me, too." Goku smiled, and in the room's low light, his pupils elongated for a moment.

Sanzo recognized Goku's look of hunger, but it had little to do with food. He stretched out on the bed and sighed when Goku slid on top of him.

They were headed east. They were alive and together in the here and now.

And in the end, that was all that mattered.

 

Fin


End file.
